Not the most interesting of entries, sorry

Reading back my blog posts I’ve realised that they’re quite personal and I wonder how much I should be sharing in them. I do find it useful though as a tool to let my feelings out. Writing this now, I realise that the blog has to remain private and although I’ll be happy to talk about work stuff and the things I get up to I believe that they need to be more professionally maintained.

The original idea of the blog was to highlight the events that I run and build up a bit of momentum, that’s a bit difficult to do if I personalise it too much. So from here on in, I’ll look to update on the events on a separate blog…not that I need to worry too much as I calculated I’ll be moving to Australia in 11 weeks and the plan is not to get another charity job.

So what is today’s blog about? I’m at home today, half working, half trying to gather my thoughts. And as I was grilling sausages and making a cup of tea I actually stopped and the reality of mum’s death hit me.

For so long I took it as inevitable that she was going to die. She had a glioblastoma multiforme, a brain tumour that was never going to repair itself. I used to get so frustrated that she wasn’t fighting it as hard as she could do, but it wasn’t me that it was affecting. At least mum was comfortable and at least she had dad to care for her. I now know that neither of them would have had it any other way. Whilst I hope I am never a burden to my wife I would hope that she would care for me just the way Dad did. When you’re suffering, who do you want with you? The person you love.

When I think about the last 6 months, I know mum was struggling, but she never wanted to be ill, she never wanted to feel the way she did. She wanted to be a mother and grandmother and those opportunities were wrestled away from her. Perhaps I feel cheated, perhaps I just don’t understand and can’t quite get my head around it. Mum has gone. Yes I have wonderful memories, and yes I have the wonderful photos that we took of her in Australia a few years earlier. But it doesn’t help me feel that I wasted the time I had with her.

I don’t want to be depressed thinking about it. And as someone that believes in God I believe that she’s now at peace, but sometimes that makes it worse, because while I’m happy that she’s not suffering, it’s what we all wanted while she was still alive.

So today is a rough day emotionally wise. It’s so easy to just slip back in to the every day life and actions. But it’s important to stop and take account of things and I only wish I had more time to do that. I would hope that when we move to Australia we’ll have that time, once we are all set up again.

I’m sorry for another dull and moanful entry. I will try and jazz it up soon, I promise.

x